A brief and humiliating glimpse into the life of Interacting Socially with Carrie Griffin

Scenario: Coffee Date

Outcome #1

CARRIE: So what do you do?

PERSON: Well for a long time I worked in a bakery, not actually baking but delivering baked goods. Anyway, I always wanted to give baking a try so I thought, what the hell? Why not? So one day I just started baking and baking and it was like I literally couldn’t stop. So now I’m trying to open my own bakery. It’s tough work but I love it. Well, I don’t exactly LOVE it but I don’t come home every night unhappy with my work. I like my work. So I guess that’s good.

CARRIE: Yeah! That is good! That is like…the definition of good.

CARRIE’S BRAIN: Oh god oh god I’ve completely missed everything they just said. Should I say I didn’t hear part of it? Maybe it’s best just to be honest. Then again, maybe not. “Sorry, I just zoned out for a bit because there was a pigeon behind you that was walking and I think pigeons look very funny when they walk so I like to watch them. So I completely ignored your explanation of the thing you’ve dedicated your entire life to doing in favor of that,” may not be the best option. Let’s just change the subject rapidly and hope their line of work never comes up in conversation ever again.

CARRIE: God, my hands are dry today.


Outcome #2

(PERSON, who is slightly older than CARRIE, has just finished telling a very long and interesting life story involving lots of travel and meeting strangers and generally being very exciting)

CARRIE: God. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more boring in my entire life.

PERSON: Well, be easy on yourself. After all, you are very young.

CARRIE: That’s true. I am practically a baby. I was literally born yesterday. Well, not literally. And anyway, you are very old.

Outcome #3

(Coffee has just arrived. PERSON is busy being fascinating. CARRIE listens with rapt attention.)

PERSON: …so anyway, we’d been hanging out sort of noodling around on instruments together for fun before, and Barry–that was my college roommate, Barry–had this camera and had always been interested in doing this sort of Tenacious D comedy thing and–

CARRIE: (taking a sip of coffee) OH GOD, that’s really fucking hot!


CARRIE: I think I’ve burned my tongue.

Fun Note!: While all of these are generally based on real interactions I’ve had/stupid things I’ve said, only one of them has actually taken place almost word-for-word. See if you can guess which one!